Girl, I Bet You Ain't What I Think You Is

Yep. I am cooler than your feeble mind can perceive, fella.

Little Shop of Horrors

No, no we shopsn't.

Tell Me Lies, Tell Me Sweet Little Lies

All my life I have said that if I can just get my hands on a guy who uses "u" instead of "you" AND self-proclaims to have a huge dick, all my prayers would be answered. I bet he would also profess to be able to "entertain" me all night long.

NSA Photos

But, do you have bloodwork? Because I really don't want an NSA STD. And, do you have references? Because obviously I am a magnet for creepers and I'd rather not die at the hands of a serial killer I met for random sex via the most awful dating site known to man.

Persistently Ignorant

 

I received several messages from a guy I have nothing in common with which said nothing more than the generic "hey baby how you doin'?" bullshit. I ignored them so at least I wouldn't have to be a bitch to the guy who obviously wasn't bright enough to say more than a couple words. Ignoring messages doesn't work, people, because douchebags can't take a hint. You have to spell it o-u-t for them. 

 

 

 

Yeah, I'm sorry you sent me all those messages, too, buddy. I am, too.

But, they're MY panties!

So. Permanently is or isn't a long time? Because last time I checked, permanently would mean you would never give them back. Is there a new definition for permanently which I am currently unaware of? And, furthermore, would you just like to keep my panties like the scene out of Sixteen Candles? Because you do look like the kind of creep who would need to flash a girl's undies to your friends in order to keep up your rep as a playa...

I Can Jizz All By Myself

At least he accurately named himself...

Illiterate And Proud Of It

I know you're wondering exactly what the problem is with this message. Taken at face value it seems rather benign. But, let me just show you the part of my profile where I talk about music:

Yep, that entire paragraph is solely about music. So, now who's the asshole?

I Can Use A Ruler!!

Plays Well With Others

Usually, I bleep out the user names of these guys just to be nice, but this was just too rich. All I've ever wanted out of life is a man in my bed I can call Daddy who has never heard of the period--the simplest of all the punctuation.

Doc, even if I could read this bullshit you call a message, I would still have to pass on lunch. It's not you. It's me. Ok, that's a lie. It's all you.

No More Losers For Me

I only say in my profile half a dozen times that I AM IN NO WAY LOOKING FOR A RELATIONSHIP. That being said, since I know nothing about you and you know nothing about me, then yes, I can absolutely be the right woman. For the rest of my life. I'm tired of dating men who are twice as good who actually read my profile and understand what the fuck I'm saying. I'm ready to accept all your complaments. To tell u the true, I'm ready to do this. Right now.

Idiot.

Whine And Cheese

Mustache Ride

No, it isn't you being a cop that scares me. It's everything else. Especially that mustache...

Insanity Plea

Because tattoos near my collarbones can be considered tit tattoos. 

P.S. Having the words Mad and Crazy as part of your username is probably not a good idea. Might make you seem a little on the unstable side...unstable like jealous stalker. Also, having a video game poster over your shoulder makes me think you still live at home with your mom because you spend more time screwing fake hookers on a game rather than actually doing anything constructive with your life. 

xxxNOxxx

For one, "bad girl undercover" is just ridiculous. It is in no way flattering. Obviously, you didn't read my profile or you would have realized that saying something this fucking stupid and cheesy would get you nowhere. When I looked at your profile, I understood, though. I realized that, in no way, are you intelligent enough to comprehend anything I said. Unfortunately for you, I don't mercy-fuck idiots. 

Sticky Lenses

 God damn I don't want herpes. Or any other STD for that matter...

And, really... I dream every single day about blowing a guy who can't discuss more than 1 sentence about himself.

Way Too Much

For one, I bet you fucking would.

For another, there will never be a man in all the world who could be considered "too much" for me. And, just so you know, I have no idea what "Halla" means but you can rest assured that I didn't message you back not because I am afraid of what you might have in your pants but because I would rather shoot myself in the head than allow you to buy me dinner much less actually see you naked.

Beavis. Or Maybe Butthead.

HA.. Never heard that one before. No really. Tell me another Climax joke. My profile only says I've heard every Climax joke known to man and that you should probably skip that part of your message. But go ahead and try the most unoriginal Climax joke you could possibly use. It just might work this time especially since this one has a typo. Let's see...

Wait, no. Sorry, buddy, but it didn't.

Who Are We Talking About?

I'm confused. Are we talking about me or the girl from the last profile you looked at?

Wow!

Why do you assholes always say that--that I shouldn't be on a dating site? Did it ever occur to you that maybe I don't want to be with anyone? Or that even when I do date someone, I'm still free to talk to whoever the fuck I want to talk to? Or that maybe just maybe I won't settle for any dickhead that shows me some attention? Leave it alone already. I'm on here because I want to be not because I can't leech myself on to the first available swinging dick I come across.

But, thanks for the compliments.

Your What?

He doesn't deserve me bleeping out his stupid fucking name.

Repeat Performance

I read the message loud and clear the first time, asshole. What it said was: You didn't read a word of my profile and have absolutely nothing to say in an actual discussion. You're not going to read my profile, either. I'd have to carry all the conversations while you eagerly waited for me to get bored and send you a picture of my tits. That's so very sweet, but I really wouldn't waste a perfectly awesome tit picture. !!!

I Like You, Your Highness

I have subjects? Really? Because I've always sort of dreamed of being a Queen. Who would have thought I was royalty all this time and never even knew....

Chatterbox

Is it just me or does "chat" sound like something completely juvenile? Also, after not responding to the first message, the answer was no. NO. What I bet is that he forgot all about sending this message the first time. He probably has this sentence ready to copy and paste at any given moment. It's not flattering to be the victim of copycat messaging, boys.

Choice Name

Rimshot, really, lol

Real Gentlemen Drink From the Bottle

Yep...the first thing I want to see when I look at a profile is an asshole drinking out of the wine bottle with a bag of chips just waiting to be devoured in front of him...that smells like success to me. Chips and cheap wine. 

First impressions, people...first fucking impressions. 

You got brains?

Yes, I actually had this conversation. Unfortunately.

Are eye rolls really what dudes are after? I think there's a better way to charm the pants off me than jaded exasperation but perhaps I'm wrong. It's never happened before, but as they say, there's a first time for everything. 

Creativity Counts

No, man... I got 1001 today thanks to you. How special you are!

Save the Drama for Your Mama

"looking for a cool laid back female .Like to have fun and good laughs . Im down to earth i hate gossip and liars. If your gonna do something do it, dont play games cause i got better things to do, other than we will get alone just fine. I like to go out, i also like to do out door stuff like the beach, i have a jeep wrangler so i like to ride with the top down and go to the beach or anything do do with water . i like all music, i like to dress nice. i dont really like high maintance girl but i do like someone who cares to look good alot more to tell so ask if u wanna know"

As opposed to the millions of men out there who love liars and gossips and who don't have better things to do? Right...

Don't point out the fucking obvious. Do you really think someone likes liars and gossips? Do you think saying you don't like liars and gossips will prevent a gossipy liar from messaging you? Hopefully not...but, if you do, perhaps you should have a mental exam. 

DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW MANY ASSHOLES HAVE THIS SAME BULLSHIT ON THEIR PROFILE??? 

obviously not. Just like you never learned how to use fucking punctuation.

Fishing for Love

"im outgoin i like to go out and have fun with friends & meet new ones. im 24 have a beautiful lil girl that is 2, she is my everything i go to the gym everyday its my second home, i like to hunt fish and much more. if you want to know more as me :)"

Because every woman's wet dream is a shirtless man in sweatpants holding dead, wet fish....

Dear Fisherman, 

Please put a shirt on. I'm not really turned on by the fact that I could wash your Hanes briefs on your abs. But, nice try...I'm sure you were hoping it would distract me from how ridiculous you sound. I'm sure it will work on someone with half my IQ so good luck to you. 

Love, 

Me