Older Fun

No. I like really old men who outlaw fun.


Now, let's just be honest (because I know someone will read this and think I am a completely ungrateful cunt for mocking someone who complimented me). This was not a sincere gesture meant for me. This is a copy and paste deal. 17 other women, at least, have probably received this very message or something similar in the past week. It's obvious, and that is just a big a problem as the line I mocked.

Three's Company

Yes. Of course I'm into random, anonymous group sex. I'm a single mother working on her masters degree, but I really just can't wait to ruin it all by contracting a serious STD that can never be cured. And I want to do so with the ugliest, most tactless asshole possible. 

So What You're Really Trying To Say Is...

I'm a 36 year old man but I still act like I am 16. And as a 16 year old, I really don't have time for all this chitchat so I'll get right down to business. Here are my digits. Give me a buzz. I'm ready to fuck you at any time. lolz.

No Strings

If marriages are simply overrated, then why not get divorced instead of remaining married, hooking up with girls you don't know from the internet, and risking giving your spouse a sexually transmitted disease? And why would you expect another person to do the same?

Also, figure out what you want. In just one profile, this person is seeking friends, wants to casually date, and would also love to have a long term affair.

I Ain't Got No Rules

I received a message recently from the following profile.

 "please if you read my profile and you think that i'm a jerk, i'm not just a guy who has been hurt..." Either this guy is completely nuts or he needs to try using some punctuation. "If you read my profile and think I'm a jerk, please know that I am not. I'm just a guy who has been hurt..." makes much more sense. People shouldn't need to dumb themselves down in order to read your fucking profile. 

Also, if someone doesn't like your picture, it's no reason to say "Fuck you." Not at all. Here's the thing...attraction is in the eye of the beholder. If a person isn't attracted to you , it isn't their fault nor is it yours. It simply means the person is into something different. The pathetic fuck yous this guy makes just shows he is very insecure which often means he will be crazy jealous. He'll hack into your facebook, question every little comment a guy makes on your statuses, go through your phone looking for evidence, and constantly pick fights because of his own issues. He's creepy stalker guy. And the last thing he should do if he's seeking a relationship is to message someone who isn't at all interested in having one. Lesson #2 from this guy: People are fucking idiots when it comes to relationships. 

The Squirts

Got this message just a little bit ago. Since the commonly believed occurrence of female ejaculation or "squirting" is around 10%, this guy must really be on top of his game even though he looks to be about 12 or so in his profile pic. He definitely has a 12 year old's hair cut. Of all the things I say in my profile, he read between the lines to find the message I was truly trying to send "I'd like a pre-pubescent looking male to make me achieve the elusive female ejaculation." Right...

So, I check out his profile hoping I will find more material to use in the blog post I already know I'm going to make:

And of course, I find it. How did I know I would? Beyond the obvious lack of content, let me also point out that this guy is both looking for his true love judging by his About Me, but that his intent is to date but nothing serious. Seems a bit contradictory to me. Or maybe this guy is just a fucktard. I don't really think this is his picture either, but I could be wrong about that.

American Illiteracy

For one, I mention directly on my profile that I have 12 tattoos. Since in his message he is asking if I have any ink, I can only assume he is illiterate. Fair assumption, no? For two, I also state in my profile that I am in grad school, have a child, that I'm writing a book, work full time...anyone with a brain could gather that I'm a very driven young lady with goals focused on success. So, now the big question becomes:

Why the fuck would I waste my time talking to a nearly 40 year old man whose only interests are "party" and who can only state "tattooin and smokin budz" when asked to describe himself? 

And, yes....his entire head appears to be tattooed. WINNING!

Shirtless Wonder

Look, guys...just because you have abs doesn't mean you're worth my or anybody's time. Even if I were superficial enough to be mesmerized by a muscular physique (which I'm not), eventually I'd just get bored and make fun of you.

So, thanks for the compliment you sent me in your message. I appreciate it, but I think I'll pass. You have nothing to offer except an ego problem and boredom.

Balance is the key. If you want to have abs I can wash my clothes on then get a little culture so you can have something to talk about while I'm washing. Thanks.

Big Daddy

I'm not a supermodel--not even close. I realize this. But fuck...men have this whole philosophy that if they never step up to bat, they'll never hit a homer. While admirable in some ways, it's also pretty laughable. I mean, what does this guy possibly think will happen from messaging me?

(stop yelling at me, asshole)

Dsl 2

After viewing this guy's profile in order to post his ridiculous message on the blog, I got this second email:

Jesus Lovin' Man In His Prime

From the very first interaction, people want to change you. Perhaps I should make it clearer in a way that this kind of person can understand. I'M NOT CHRISTIAN AND I'M NEVER GOING TO BE SO LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE. It really shouldn't take this kind of statement, though. If religion is a big issue for you, and the first sentence of your profile talks about Jesus, you have no business messaging someone who declares they have no religion or are atheist. Only complete fucking morons do things like this. 

I Got A Graduate Degree in Dsl lol

I got the following message this morning. 

Graduate degree? Really? I fucking think not. 

Firefiter Looking for a Ladey

For one, how can you possibly be looking for an intimate encounter while simultaneously say you are actively seeking a relationship? 

Now, I also need to ask how in the fuck you expect to meet someone if you say next to nothing about yourself and obviously have never heard of spell check. Typos are one thing, and spelling mistakes don't completely ruin a person's chances at finding love, but this is your presentation to your viewing public, and setting up a profile with this many errors just shows how little effort you are willing to put into making a first impression. And as far as this person messaging someone like me, I can't trust them to use a condom correctly if they can't even spell their job title. Those are the facts.