Nothing says Classy...

Like "jager bombs" and cuddling on the couch....

Look! He learned how to copy and paste!!

I received this charming little message today when I checked my inbox. 

Just reading this, you might think it isn't right for me to make fun of a guy who seems so sincere yet obviously has a little trouble using words (as well as periods. there's not one fucking period in the entire message). But, here's the thing... He says, "I am looking for a good woman that is nice and has a good heart and will love you for who you are and now what you got and that is not in to head games..." 

My profile explicitly states I am not looking for love of any kind. So why even contact me? This asshole didn't read a fucking word of my profile. He saw my pic, and thought "why not? she might not be half bad if she had long hair" and sent me a message copied mistake for mistake directly from his profile with his phone number in place of his music tastes. So, he's blatantly lazy on top of everything else. 

OHHH! and that whole "love you for who you are and not what you got" bit? Here's a little bit of truth. Women, at least educated and goal driven women like myself, really want someone who is equally goal driven. You don't have to be the richest guy in the world, but if you aren't motivated enough to get the fuck off your ass and work towards something better--whether it's in your career, your home, your appearance, or otherwise, you should expect someone to get tired of your bullshit and move on. There is no way, at all, ever that I could be happy for any amount of time sitting around watching television as my only hobby for the next 40 years. No, it isn't about "what you got" at all; it's about what you're not. 

Older Fun

No. I like really old men who outlaw fun.


Now, let's just be honest (because I know someone will read this and think I am a completely ungrateful cunt for mocking someone who complimented me). This was not a sincere gesture meant for me. This is a copy and paste deal. 17 other women, at least, have probably received this very message or something similar in the past week. It's obvious, and that is just a big a problem as the line I mocked.

Three's Company

Yes. Of course I'm into random, anonymous group sex. I'm a single mother working on her masters degree, but I really just can't wait to ruin it all by contracting a serious STD that can never be cured. And I want to do so with the ugliest, most tactless asshole possible. 

So What You're Really Trying To Say Is...

I'm a 36 year old man but I still act like I am 16. And as a 16 year old, I really don't have time for all this chitchat so I'll get right down to business. Here are my digits. Give me a buzz. I'm ready to fuck you at any time. lolz.

No Strings

If marriages are simply overrated, then why not get divorced instead of remaining married, hooking up with girls you don't know from the internet, and risking giving your spouse a sexually transmitted disease? And why would you expect another person to do the same?

Also, figure out what you want. In just one profile, this person is seeking friends, wants to casually date, and would also love to have a long term affair.

I Ain't Got No Rules

I received a message recently from the following profile.

 "please if you read my profile and you think that i'm a jerk, i'm not just a guy who has been hurt..." Either this guy is completely nuts or he needs to try using some punctuation. "If you read my profile and think I'm a jerk, please know that I am not. I'm just a guy who has been hurt..." makes much more sense. People shouldn't need to dumb themselves down in order to read your fucking profile. 

Also, if someone doesn't like your picture, it's no reason to say "Fuck you." Not at all. Here's the thing...attraction is in the eye of the beholder. If a person isn't attracted to you , it isn't their fault nor is it yours. It simply means the person is into something different. The pathetic fuck yous this guy makes just shows he is very insecure which often means he will be crazy jealous. He'll hack into your facebook, question every little comment a guy makes on your statuses, go through your phone looking for evidence, and constantly pick fights because of his own issues. He's creepy stalker guy. And the last thing he should do if he's seeking a relationship is to message someone who isn't at all interested in having one. Lesson #2 from this guy: People are fucking idiots when it comes to relationships. 

The Squirts

Got this message just a little bit ago. Since the commonly believed occurrence of female ejaculation or "squirting" is around 10%, this guy must really be on top of his game even though he looks to be about 12 or so in his profile pic. He definitely has a 12 year old's hair cut. Of all the things I say in my profile, he read between the lines to find the message I was truly trying to send "I'd like a pre-pubescent looking male to make me achieve the elusive female ejaculation." Right...

So, I check out his profile hoping I will find more material to use in the blog post I already know I'm going to make:

And of course, I find it. How did I know I would? Beyond the obvious lack of content, let me also point out that this guy is both looking for his true love judging by his About Me, but that his intent is to date but nothing serious. Seems a bit contradictory to me. Or maybe this guy is just a fucktard. I don't really think this is his picture either, but I could be wrong about that.

American Illiteracy

For one, I mention directly on my profile that I have 12 tattoos. Since in his message he is asking if I have any ink, I can only assume he is illiterate. Fair assumption, no? For two, I also state in my profile that I am in grad school, have a child, that I'm writing a book, work full time...anyone with a brain could gather that I'm a very driven young lady with goals focused on success. So, now the big question becomes:

Why the fuck would I waste my time talking to a nearly 40 year old man whose only interests are "party" and who can only state "tattooin and smokin budz" when asked to describe himself? 

And, yes....his entire head appears to be tattooed. WINNING!

Shirtless Wonder

Look, guys...just because you have abs doesn't mean you're worth my or anybody's time. Even if I were superficial enough to be mesmerized by a muscular physique (which I'm not), eventually I'd just get bored and make fun of you.

So, thanks for the compliment you sent me in your message. I appreciate it, but I think I'll pass. You have nothing to offer except an ego problem and boredom.

Balance is the key. If you want to have abs I can wash my clothes on then get a little culture so you can have something to talk about while I'm washing. Thanks.

Big Daddy

I'm not a supermodel--not even close. I realize this. But fuck...men have this whole philosophy that if they never step up to bat, they'll never hit a homer. While admirable in some ways, it's also pretty laughable. I mean, what does this guy possibly think will happen from messaging me?

(stop yelling at me, asshole)

Dsl 2

After viewing this guy's profile in order to post his ridiculous message on the blog, I got this second email:

Jesus Lovin' Man In His Prime

From the very first interaction, people want to change you. Perhaps I should make it clearer in a way that this kind of person can understand. I'M NOT CHRISTIAN AND I'M NEVER GOING TO BE SO LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE. It really shouldn't take this kind of statement, though. If religion is a big issue for you, and the first sentence of your profile talks about Jesus, you have no business messaging someone who declares they have no religion or are atheist. Only complete fucking morons do things like this. 

I Got A Graduate Degree in Dsl lol

I got the following message this morning. 

Graduate degree? Really? I fucking think not. 

Firefiter Looking for a Ladey

For one, how can you possibly be looking for an intimate encounter while simultaneously say you are actively seeking a relationship? 

Now, I also need to ask how in the fuck you expect to meet someone if you say next to nothing about yourself and obviously have never heard of spell check. Typos are one thing, and spelling mistakes don't completely ruin a person's chances at finding love, but this is your presentation to your viewing public, and setting up a profile with this many errors just shows how little effort you are willing to put into making a first impression. And as far as this person messaging someone like me, I can't trust them to use a condom correctly if they can't even spell their job title. Those are the facts. 

In Need of A Good Profile Consultation

This is probably the most boring a profile can actually be. There is nothing which describes who this person is or what they like. It's hard to get excited about talking to someone when they could be just as boring as the profile you're looking at. Don't do this to yourselves. There's just no way this is going to be successful especially in the long term. The quality of your profile message is proportional to the quality of person you'll attract...remember that key bit of information.

Need Some Help With Your Profile?

My frustration with dating profiles and first messages has led me to desire to want to tell others how awful they're profiles really are. Even more than that, I want to help people improve their chances on these sites, so if you feel you need some help, send me a message with the answers to following questions. For a while, I will do so for free in trade for testimonials and eventually I hope to construct my own website and do this for a fee, so you should enjoy the freebie benefits while you can.


An attractive dating profile contains a good bit of information about the basics of your personality including your wants, likes, and dislikes. The more details you put into it, the more obvious your efforts appear. This translates into how much effort you’re willing to put into a relationship, into sex, into dates, and even your own appearance. It also opens up more opportunities for conversation starters. If a girl reads a generic profile, it’s much harder to come up with a question or comment than if you’ve said some things she can relate to on a more personal level. So, to help get those details into your profile, please answer the following questions as thoroughly and honestly* as possible or explain why the question isn’t one you can answer. If there are any for which you don’t understand the reasoning behind their inclusion on the questionnaire, please feel free to ask. (* Really give some thought to these. Don’t answer in a way that you feel would make you more attractive because ultimately portraying yourself as someone you aren’t will just ruin your chances)

1. What age range are you most comfortable with in a partner?

2. What are your outlier ages (the absolute youngest and oldest)?

3. Are you looking for casual dating, a fling, friends with benefits, or something more long term?

4. What are your spiritual/religious beliefs? How important are these beliefs to you? Is it necessary to date someone who shares these beliefs?

5. How close is your family and how important is it that the person you’re dating spend a lot of time with you and your family?

6. Why did your most recent relationship end?

7. Which is more true of successful relationships (a) opposites attract (b) it’s better
to have a lot of common ground to build on

8. Do you fall in love easily?

9. Do you like to see or talk to the person you’re dating every single day, at least most days, or do you prefer to have a lot of space?

10. What does your ideal sexual encounter consist of? Do you agree that sexual chemistry is a necessity for successful relationships?

11. Are you attracted (mainly) to a particular type?

12. You have plans with friends. The person you’re seeing gets pretty sick just before you’re supposed to leave. There is no way he/she could be faking—he/she has a 103 degree fever, chills, body aches and is vomiting. He/she will probably be in bed all day. Do you go ahead with your plans or do you stay home?

13. What are 3 words that describe you?

14. What are you currently doing with your life and what are your future goals?

15. Who influenced you the most as a child?

16. Fill in the blank: Money is ______.

17. Are you introverted or extraverted?

18. Are you a procrastinator?

19. What’s the worst thing you’ve ever done to another person?

20. Are there such a thing as women’s jobs and men’s jobs (even around the house
in relation to chores)?

21. Race and ethnicity are ____.

22. What are your hobbies?

23. Do you follow current events? Are you the kind of person who likes discussing politics or current events with others?

24. Are you a reader? If so, what’s the latest good book you’ve read? What books would you recommend to someone else from your lifelong reading list?

25. What’s your favorite meal? Would you rather make it and enjoy the reward or have someone else make it from you so you can enjoy their gift?

26. Do you prefer a large group of friends or a close-knit group of few?

27. It’s Friday night. You’re off all weekend long and you’re single. What is your ideal way to spend the evening? The whole weekend? How does that change if you’re involved with someone?

28. What are your favorite movies? Why those? What about television shows?

29. You’ve had a terrible day. What music do you play? Why?

30. A movie is being made about your life. What are some songs that would be on the soundtrack? Why?

No Thought, No Response

I get messages like this every fucking day. And every day, I ignore them. There's nothing at all that grabs my interest with this kind of message. I don't even bother looking at the person's profile more times than not. Why? For one, if this is the kind of effort you're going to put into someone's first impression of you, then how much effort will you put into a first date? Into sex? Into a relationship? Not much. That's the impression you're giving when you show no thought, no creativity, and absolutely no sign that you actually read my profile. 

For two, I am often told by people that they would rather not send a lengthy message specific to the person they message if there is no guarantee they'll get a message back. Well, that tells me you're a complete fucking moron. No one wants a generic, small talk kind of message. It's unappealing and ridiculous especially when it's misspelled and no punctuation is used. If you're not interested in me as a person until I do the work to message you back, I don't have time for you, and any self-respecting person is going to feel the same way I do. 

If you're serious about doing anything more than fucking someone, put in a little more time. Just one personalized sentence is all you need.

They Call Me "The Stud"

I normally wouldn't have even opened a message from someone who doesn't have a profile picture, but with that username, I was sure this would be a win. I was already planning a cowboy themed wedding. Wow! indeed.

Who really wants to play games? Is that a necessary statement? I mean, realistically, if a drama queen saw this profile, would she really say to herself, "Oh well...he doesn't like games, so I should probably just leave this guy alone" before sighing audibly and moving on to the next? Right.

"I am very straightforward and I will let you know what is on my mind." Yep, so straightforward that you can't say a fucking thing about yourself that takes any personal insight at all whatsoever.

"I am here waiting on you to find me." Translation: I expect you to clean up after me, make my meals, and suck my dick while I watch the game.

I'm also very concerned about this closed eyes first date business. Perhaps this is why there's no picture. It's quite possible I'll be waiting to meet the guy, get struck on the back of the head, and wake up with a concussion and violated orifices. The only explanation I'll have is a note reading, "You've been nailed by The Stud."

Creepy Isn't Attractive

I received this message a couple days ago.

First of all, if this guy had read my profile instead of just looking at the picture, he'd realize I probably wouldn't be interested. "I am looking for some good times lol." Is that some sort of inside joke that I will understand once I go out with this guy and end up being tortured in some abandoned house? I admire honesty, but I don't understand what's so funny about saying you just want to hook up. If you're going to have the balls to say it, then don't giggle in the corner like a fucking child afterwards. Also, "make women squirt" is probably one of the least attractive phrases I have ever read in a message like this. If he gets lucky with any messages he sends, I imagine he has to double bag it because he isn't aiming for high quality here.

To make matters worse, here's his profile:

I'd like to know a little bit about someone before I sleep with them. Good conversation is the best aphrodisiac, and apparently all I'll get from this guy is an STD. 

The Maggot

Even though I've erased his profile name, trust me when I say it looked like Maggot in your peripheral line of sight. So, right off the bat, I can tell you to never have a username which would make the person you're writing to associate you with something as gross as a maggot.

For two, if you want to catch a girl by using not one but two images of your car, then you're implying that material possessions are of high value to the type of lady you want to attract. Don't be surprised if you don't attract girls with a high level of intelligence who aren't materialistic while simultaneously warding off the girls who value status symbols, money, and gifts...you say you're a mechanic with a high school education who will struggle more than anything else and those girls don't like struggle. You're really limiting your options here. Also, cut out all the numbers as words bullshit. This isn't a text message; it's a profile. First impressions mean a lot and if you're trying to cut stupid little corners, I can expect you to give me oral sex only on rare occasions, and that just won't work.

Searching for Uniqness

About a month ago, I got this lovely gem of a note.

So, I go take a look at the profile just out of curiosity. I was pretty sure this guy was going to turn out to be a Prince Charming in a black cap, but I guess I can't be right all the time. 

At some point you have to wonder why a guy who can't spell "uniqueness" would try having a conversation with a girl who's stated she's getting her masters in clinical psychology. Some things will never add up. But, really, dude...if you're going to try, at least put some effort into it. How much harder can it really be to type out a full "How are you?" Thanks for letting me know in advance how little effort I could expect out of your sexual performance. With such knowledge in hand, I was fully informed enough to skip this message entirely. 

It's not that I think I'm better because I'm educated. But, if you're on a dating site looking for a long term relationship such as this fellow, and you can't put enough effort into your messages and your profile to use the spell check feature much less actually talk about yourself in anything other than the most superficial plane, then how much effort are you putting into everything else?