In Need of A Good Profile Consultation

This is probably the most boring a profile can actually be. There is nothing which describes who this person is or what they like. It's hard to get excited about talking to someone when they could be just as boring as the profile you're looking at. Don't do this to yourselves. There's just no way this is going to be successful especially in the long term. The quality of your profile message is proportional to the quality of person you'll attract...remember that key bit of information.

Need Some Help With Your Profile?

My frustration with dating profiles and first messages has led me to desire to want to tell others how awful they're profiles really are. Even more than that, I want to help people improve their chances on these sites, so if you feel you need some help, send me a message with the answers to following questions. For a while, I will do so for free in trade for testimonials and eventually I hope to construct my own website and do this for a fee, so you should enjoy the freebie benefits while you can.


An attractive dating profile contains a good bit of information about the basics of your personality including your wants, likes, and dislikes. The more details you put into it, the more obvious your efforts appear. This translates into how much effort you’re willing to put into a relationship, into sex, into dates, and even your own appearance. It also opens up more opportunities for conversation starters. If a girl reads a generic profile, it’s much harder to come up with a question or comment than if you’ve said some things she can relate to on a more personal level. So, to help get those details into your profile, please answer the following questions as thoroughly and honestly* as possible or explain why the question isn’t one you can answer. If there are any for which you don’t understand the reasoning behind their inclusion on the questionnaire, please feel free to ask. (* Really give some thought to these. Don’t answer in a way that you feel would make you more attractive because ultimately portraying yourself as someone you aren’t will just ruin your chances)

1. What age range are you most comfortable with in a partner?

2. What are your outlier ages (the absolute youngest and oldest)?

3. Are you looking for casual dating, a fling, friends with benefits, or something more long term?

4. What are your spiritual/religious beliefs? How important are these beliefs to you? Is it necessary to date someone who shares these beliefs?

5. How close is your family and how important is it that the person you’re dating spend a lot of time with you and your family?

6. Why did your most recent relationship end?

7. Which is more true of successful relationships (a) opposites attract (b) it’s better
to have a lot of common ground to build on

8. Do you fall in love easily?

9. Do you like to see or talk to the person you’re dating every single day, at least most days, or do you prefer to have a lot of space?

10. What does your ideal sexual encounter consist of? Do you agree that sexual chemistry is a necessity for successful relationships?

11. Are you attracted (mainly) to a particular type?

12. You have plans with friends. The person you’re seeing gets pretty sick just before you’re supposed to leave. There is no way he/she could be faking—he/she has a 103 degree fever, chills, body aches and is vomiting. He/she will probably be in bed all day. Do you go ahead with your plans or do you stay home?

13. What are 3 words that describe you?

14. What are you currently doing with your life and what are your future goals?

15. Who influenced you the most as a child?

16. Fill in the blank: Money is ______.

17. Are you introverted or extraverted?

18. Are you a procrastinator?

19. What’s the worst thing you’ve ever done to another person?

20. Are there such a thing as women’s jobs and men’s jobs (even around the house
in relation to chores)?

21. Race and ethnicity are ____.

22. What are your hobbies?

23. Do you follow current events? Are you the kind of person who likes discussing politics or current events with others?

24. Are you a reader? If so, what’s the latest good book you’ve read? What books would you recommend to someone else from your lifelong reading list?

25. What’s your favorite meal? Would you rather make it and enjoy the reward or have someone else make it from you so you can enjoy their gift?

26. Do you prefer a large group of friends or a close-knit group of few?

27. It’s Friday night. You’re off all weekend long and you’re single. What is your ideal way to spend the evening? The whole weekend? How does that change if you’re involved with someone?

28. What are your favorite movies? Why those? What about television shows?

29. You’ve had a terrible day. What music do you play? Why?

30. A movie is being made about your life. What are some songs that would be on the soundtrack? Why?

No Thought, No Response

I get messages like this every fucking day. And every day, I ignore them. There's nothing at all that grabs my interest with this kind of message. I don't even bother looking at the person's profile more times than not. Why? For one, if this is the kind of effort you're going to put into someone's first impression of you, then how much effort will you put into a first date? Into sex? Into a relationship? Not much. That's the impression you're giving when you show no thought, no creativity, and absolutely no sign that you actually read my profile. 

For two, I am often told by people that they would rather not send a lengthy message specific to the person they message if there is no guarantee they'll get a message back. Well, that tells me you're a complete fucking moron. No one wants a generic, small talk kind of message. It's unappealing and ridiculous especially when it's misspelled and no punctuation is used. If you're not interested in me as a person until I do the work to message you back, I don't have time for you, and any self-respecting person is going to feel the same way I do. 

If you're serious about doing anything more than fucking someone, put in a little more time. Just one personalized sentence is all you need.

They Call Me "The Stud"

I normally wouldn't have even opened a message from someone who doesn't have a profile picture, but with that username, I was sure this would be a win. I was already planning a cowboy themed wedding. Wow! indeed.

Who really wants to play games? Is that a necessary statement? I mean, realistically, if a drama queen saw this profile, would she really say to herself, "Oh well...he doesn't like games, so I should probably just leave this guy alone" before sighing audibly and moving on to the next? Right.

"I am very straightforward and I will let you know what is on my mind." Yep, so straightforward that you can't say a fucking thing about yourself that takes any personal insight at all whatsoever.

"I am here waiting on you to find me." Translation: I expect you to clean up after me, make my meals, and suck my dick while I watch the game.

I'm also very concerned about this closed eyes first date business. Perhaps this is why there's no picture. It's quite possible I'll be waiting to meet the guy, get struck on the back of the head, and wake up with a concussion and violated orifices. The only explanation I'll have is a note reading, "You've been nailed by The Stud."

Creepy Isn't Attractive

I received this message a couple days ago.

First of all, if this guy had read my profile instead of just looking at the picture, he'd realize I probably wouldn't be interested. "I am looking for some good times lol." Is that some sort of inside joke that I will understand once I go out with this guy and end up being tortured in some abandoned house? I admire honesty, but I don't understand what's so funny about saying you just want to hook up. If you're going to have the balls to say it, then don't giggle in the corner like a fucking child afterwards. Also, "make women squirt" is probably one of the least attractive phrases I have ever read in a message like this. If he gets lucky with any messages he sends, I imagine he has to double bag it because he isn't aiming for high quality here.

To make matters worse, here's his profile:

I'd like to know a little bit about someone before I sleep with them. Good conversation is the best aphrodisiac, and apparently all I'll get from this guy is an STD. 

The Maggot

Even though I've erased his profile name, trust me when I say it looked like Maggot in your peripheral line of sight. So, right off the bat, I can tell you to never have a username which would make the person you're writing to associate you with something as gross as a maggot.

For two, if you want to catch a girl by using not one but two images of your car, then you're implying that material possessions are of high value to the type of lady you want to attract. Don't be surprised if you don't attract girls with a high level of intelligence who aren't materialistic while simultaneously warding off the girls who value status symbols, money, and gifts...you say you're a mechanic with a high school education who will struggle more than anything else and those girls don't like struggle. You're really limiting your options here. Also, cut out all the numbers as words bullshit. This isn't a text message; it's a profile. First impressions mean a lot and if you're trying to cut stupid little corners, I can expect you to give me oral sex only on rare occasions, and that just won't work.

Searching for Uniqness

About a month ago, I got this lovely gem of a note.

So, I go take a look at the profile just out of curiosity. I was pretty sure this guy was going to turn out to be a Prince Charming in a black cap, but I guess I can't be right all the time. 

At some point you have to wonder why a guy who can't spell "uniqueness" would try having a conversation with a girl who's stated she's getting her masters in clinical psychology. Some things will never add up. But, really, dude...if you're going to try, at least put some effort into it. How much harder can it really be to type out a full "How are you?" Thanks for letting me know in advance how little effort I could expect out of your sexual performance. With such knowledge in hand, I was fully informed enough to skip this message entirely. 

It's not that I think I'm better because I'm educated. But, if you're on a dating site looking for a long term relationship such as this fellow, and you can't put enough effort into your messages and your profile to use the spell check feature much less actually talk about yourself in anything other than the most superficial plane, then how much effort are you putting into everything else? 

J's Profile

J would be me as in Jenniy. Just to get started, I thought I'd share one of my own profiles, so it can never be said that I didn't put myself out there for judgment before I began judging others. Here I am in muted glory.