Real Gentlemen Drink From the Bottle

Yep...the first thing I want to see when I look at a profile is an asshole drinking out of the wine bottle with a bag of chips just waiting to be devoured in front of him...that smells like success to me. Chips and cheap wine. 

First impressions, people...first fucking impressions. 

You got brains?

Yes, I actually had this conversation. Unfortunately.

Are eye rolls really what dudes are after? I think there's a better way to charm the pants off me than jaded exasperation but perhaps I'm wrong. It's never happened before, but as they say, there's a first time for everything. 

Creativity Counts

No, man... I got 1001 today thanks to you. How special you are!

Save the Drama for Your Mama

"looking for a cool laid back female .Like to have fun and good laughs . Im down to earth i hate gossip and liars. If your gonna do something do it, dont play games cause i got better things to do, other than we will get alone just fine. I like to go out, i also like to do out door stuff like the beach, i have a jeep wrangler so i like to ride with the top down and go to the beach or anything do do with water . i like all music, i like to dress nice. i dont really like high maintance girl but i do like someone who cares to look good alot more to tell so ask if u wanna know"

As opposed to the millions of men out there who love liars and gossips and who don't have better things to do? Right...

Don't point out the fucking obvious. Do you really think someone likes liars and gossips? Do you think saying you don't like liars and gossips will prevent a gossipy liar from messaging you? Hopefully not...but, if you do, perhaps you should have a mental exam. 

DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW MANY ASSHOLES HAVE THIS SAME BULLSHIT ON THEIR PROFILE??? 

obviously not. Just like you never learned how to use fucking punctuation.

Fishing for Love

"im outgoin i like to go out and have fun with friends & meet new ones. im 24 have a beautiful lil girl that is 2, she is my everything i go to the gym everyday its my second home, i like to hunt fish and much more. if you want to know more as me :)"

Because every woman's wet dream is a shirtless man in sweatpants holding dead, wet fish....

Dear Fisherman, 

Please put a shirt on. I'm not really turned on by the fact that I could wash your Hanes briefs on your abs. But, nice try...I'm sure you were hoping it would distract me from how ridiculous you sound. I'm sure it will work on someone with half my IQ so good luck to you. 

Love, 

Me

Nothing says Classy...

Like "jager bombs" and cuddling on the couch....

Look! He learned how to copy and paste!!

I received this charming little message today when I checked my inbox. 

Just reading this, you might think it isn't right for me to make fun of a guy who seems so sincere yet obviously has a little trouble using words (as well as periods. there's not one fucking period in the entire message). But, here's the thing... He says, "I am looking for a good woman that is nice and has a good heart and will love you for who you are and now what you got and that is not in to head games..." 

My profile explicitly states I am not looking for love of any kind. So why even contact me? This asshole didn't read a fucking word of my profile. He saw my pic, and thought "why not? she might not be half bad if she had long hair" and sent me a message copied mistake for mistake directly from his profile with his phone number in place of his music tastes. So, he's blatantly lazy on top of everything else. 

OHHH! and that whole "love you for who you are and not what you got" bit? Here's a little bit of truth. Women, at least educated and goal driven women like myself, really want someone who is equally goal driven. You don't have to be the richest guy in the world, but if you aren't motivated enough to get the fuck off your ass and work towards something better--whether it's in your career, your home, your appearance, or otherwise, you should expect someone to get tired of your bullshit and move on. There is no way, at all, ever that I could be happy for any amount of time sitting around watching television as my only hobby for the next 40 years. No, it isn't about "what you got" at all; it's about what you're not.