Nothing says Classy...

Like "jager bombs" and cuddling on the couch....

Look! He learned how to copy and paste!!

I received this charming little message today when I checked my inbox. 

Just reading this, you might think it isn't right for me to make fun of a guy who seems so sincere yet obviously has a little trouble using words (as well as periods. there's not one fucking period in the entire message). But, here's the thing... He says, "I am looking for a good woman that is nice and has a good heart and will love you for who you are and now what you got and that is not in to head games..." 

My profile explicitly states I am not looking for love of any kind. So why even contact me? This asshole didn't read a fucking word of my profile. He saw my pic, and thought "why not? she might not be half bad if she had long hair" and sent me a message copied mistake for mistake directly from his profile with his phone number in place of his music tastes. So, he's blatantly lazy on top of everything else. 

OHHH! and that whole "love you for who you are and not what you got" bit? Here's a little bit of truth. Women, at least educated and goal driven women like myself, really want someone who is equally goal driven. You don't have to be the richest guy in the world, but if you aren't motivated enough to get the fuck off your ass and work towards something better--whether it's in your career, your home, your appearance, or otherwise, you should expect someone to get tired of your bullshit and move on. There is no way, at all, ever that I could be happy for any amount of time sitting around watching television as my only hobby for the next 40 years. No, it isn't about "what you got" at all; it's about what you're not. 

Older Fun

No. I like really old men who outlaw fun.


Now, let's just be honest (because I know someone will read this and think I am a completely ungrateful cunt for mocking someone who complimented me). This was not a sincere gesture meant for me. This is a copy and paste deal. 17 other women, at least, have probably received this very message or something similar in the past week. It's obvious, and that is just a big a problem as the line I mocked.

Three's Company

Yes. Of course I'm into random, anonymous group sex. I'm a single mother working on her masters degree, but I really just can't wait to ruin it all by contracting a serious STD that can never be cured. And I want to do so with the ugliest, most tactless asshole possible. 

So What You're Really Trying To Say Is...

I'm a 36 year old man but I still act like I am 16. And as a 16 year old, I really don't have time for all this chitchat so I'll get right down to business. Here are my digits. Give me a buzz. I'm ready to fuck you at any time. lolz.

No Strings

If marriages are simply overrated, then why not get divorced instead of remaining married, hooking up with girls you don't know from the internet, and risking giving your spouse a sexually transmitted disease? And why would you expect another person to do the same?

Also, figure out what you want. In just one profile, this person is seeking friends, wants to casually date, and would also love to have a long term affair.

I Ain't Got No Rules

I received a message recently from the following profile.

 "please if you read my profile and you think that i'm a jerk, i'm not just a guy who has been hurt..." Either this guy is completely nuts or he needs to try using some punctuation. "If you read my profile and think I'm a jerk, please know that I am not. I'm just a guy who has been hurt..." makes much more sense. People shouldn't need to dumb themselves down in order to read your fucking profile. 

Also, if someone doesn't like your picture, it's no reason to say "Fuck you." Not at all. Here's the thing...attraction is in the eye of the beholder. If a person isn't attracted to you , it isn't their fault nor is it yours. It simply means the person is into something different. The pathetic fuck yous this guy makes just shows he is very insecure which often means he will be crazy jealous. He'll hack into your facebook, question every little comment a guy makes on your statuses, go through your phone looking for evidence, and constantly pick fights because of his own issues. He's creepy stalker guy. And the last thing he should do if he's seeking a relationship is to message someone who isn't at all interested in having one. Lesson #2 from this guy: People are fucking idiots when it comes to relationships.